***Written last week during my silent retreat ***

 

One of the aspects of writing about events in one’s life is the dredging up of difficult memories. I do not know the way the Rev. Bill Livingston addressed journaling and ambiguous loss with the St. Patrick’s flock at his workshop, although I am sure it was brilliant! In fact the one negative to this whole sabbatical time was being unable MYSELF to attend the workshops we offered by three incredible people.

As I have done some writing on our shared experiences (as well as writing about a LOT of other things in my life), I began reliving some of the mistakes I have made as the Rector of St. Patrick’s. The Katrina experience certainly taught us a lot, in the early days and since, on failure – trying things and if they don’t work, trying other things. I am not talking about that. Instead I am talking about the ways I may have let people down, not been present for them (or not present in the right way) due to the many challenging commitments I was trying to satisfy, spending perhaps too much time in the eyes of some at Camp Coast Care, or not enough in the eyes of others. I am sure in those days I was short with people, failed to listen attentively, failed to follow up pastorally, or just plain failed as their Priest. This grieves me. So….if you are one of those folks, I do hope and pray you have long since found it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I hope and pray you will commit to doing so.

Forgiveness is a two way street, of course. At each prayer office we say the Lord’s Prayer. The very heart of this prayer which Jesus taught the disciples in response to them asking Him to teach them to pray, is forgiveness. It’s a conditional prayer, I hope we all see that. “Forgive us our trespasses (sins) AS WE FORGVE those who trespass (sin) against us.” We are asking for forgiveness, and Jesus says it is ours to have, as long as we practice forgiveness ourselves. Our Lord is teaching us a very important thing about our own spiritual, and often, physical well being. When we harbor grudges, when we are unable to forgive, it impacts US, not necessarily the person who trespasses against us. They may not even know they did something, or they may not even care – this is not the point. Jesus doesn’t teach us to forgive others as long as they accept our forgiveness – the onus is on us, pun intended, to forgive so that God will also forgive us.

Priests are human too. Undoubtedly I have hurt feelings, disappointed folks, angered some, puzzled others. In all those things, I ask your forgiveness.

And I offer my forgiveness also up to God. In revisiting some of the post-Katrina madness, it brought to the surface some of my own old wounds, where I was treated poorly or even meanly. In my heart of hearts, I truly forgive those who “trespassed against me”. I release any grudges or ill will, I harbor no resentment nor will I keep bad feelings in my heart towards anyone, even if sometimes it feels better to do so. For the book of Hebrews warns us against such, saying allowing a bitter root to grow within us will do us much harm. Will do US much harm.

Forgive me. I forgive also. Let us be about the practice of forgiveness. This practice does not, at all, imply we allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated. It does say we must work towards a place where we can forgive while at the same time not allowing such behavior, not supporting it in any way. Forgiveness doesn’t do that, but it does free us to be God’s children, knowing we too are forgiven.

Thanks to M. Basil Pennington who got me thinking about all this while reading one of his books.

*** Written last week on my Silent Retreat ***

As previously noted they do a real good job here enforcing the silence aspect of retreats. Signs are posted EVERYWHERE silence is to be maintained – hallways, rooms, walkways, every table in the dining room has a small “Silence is Spoken Here” reminder. As I am now in my 2nd full day of silence, it has become more profound and meaningful. One of the Thomas Merton tapes we heard at lunch Merton addressed the silence, saying being in silence helps remind us of the poor ways we often use words – to wound, to gossip, to talk about people behind their back. Being in silence can help us remember to control that most lethal of all weapons, our tongues, and to use our voices to lift others up, to serve others, to worship and praise God.

They have a beautiful new Visitors Center here. They evidently get a lot of folks who just drop in to see the place. At lunch, as we eat in silence, we gaze out the window into the gardens and often see these tourists walking along. Despite signs warning them otherwise, some just cannot help but to speak – we can’t hear them but we can see them, and it is disturbing for some reason. Today at lunch two retreat goers were actually talking in the garden, sitting RIGHT NEXT TO a “No Talking in the garden” sign. It was almost comical. What we fell to realize is how far voices carry when no one else is talking. Other guests were strolling up a hill nearby and the conversation of these two obviously disturbed their thoughts or prayers and they shushed them as they walked by.

After lunch I spent some time in the garden. They have several bird feeders and a hummingbird feeder and all are frequented. Sitting in the garden you really can hear the various calls, tweets, caws, hoots, buzzes, flapping, and fretting of winged creatures, both bird and insect. I actually saw a chipmonk, climbing the wall 10 feet away from em. I don’t think I have ever seen one up close, other than on a Disney cartoon! He/she was very cute. It’s quite lovely in the garden.

As I sat there, I heard voices and saw a group of tourists walking through the gravestones near the entrance, just yapping away like they were at a tea party. They didn’t stop until they got closer to the garden and I suppose noticed the signs. It was jarring in a way that was really disturbing. It also made me remember we need to figure out a way for some pre-worship and during-worship silence at St. Patrick’s. People need silence, we all do, and we all need to learn to be comfortable with it.

It was actually cool in the garden (it’s been very hot here), overcast skies helped a lot. But then we heard thunder and the rain came, a brief shower that sent me inside until after the None service.

It has been interesting to hear how some folks react to the concept of a silent retreat. High extroverts, like my wife, think it a torture similar to water boarding. Other, more introverted folks like my friend Dick in Florida, get a look on their face of longing and need. I believe even the extroverts can learn to love a time apart, in silence, just your own thoughts and prayers, nature, books, God. The noise of the world blocks our intimacy with God at times and it is good to come away and reconnect. And it’s not like you never hear a human voice, or use yours, with 8 services a day there is plenty of opportunity to listen and to join in.

I like the silent language we use to each other when opening doors or holding elevators, helping with a dinner tray or a worship booklet. For some reason it seems more kind, more caring, more intentional. Or maybe I’ve been here too long already! Anyway, I am enjoying the silence.

**Written during my silent retreat last week**

 

I write this at 3:45 AM (2:45 Mississippi time). Just returned to my “cell” from Vigils. It’s quite a different service. They begin with chanting a Versicle and Response, Invitatory Psalm and a hymn. Then the lights are all turned off as Nocturns of Psalms interspersed with other Scripture readings and a commentary or two from the ancient Fathers. All is done in darkness except for a light at the lectern for the reader, and one monk who introduces each Nocturn with a verse of Scripture.

There were two other bleary-eyed retreatants in the guest seating area with me, and I think one other in the balcony above us. I was relieved to see the monks looked a little sleepy also. They turn in each evening after Compline, which is at 7:30 and I believe they are in bed by 8.

The wonderful thing about the Vigils service was the comforting aspect of it. To think that every night at this time these monks are praying and remembering is reassuring. As we sleep, they are in chapel, as we hold our own bedside vigils in homes, hospitals, and hospices around the world, monks are praying and have been for centuries.

I will add to this post as the day unfolds. Next service is Lauds at 5:45, followed by Mass then breakfast. I have a cup of coffee and more work to do on the Ephesians Bible study as I await the dawn.

******

Laud’s is one of the longer prayer offices, lasting about 30 minutes. As soon as it is finished we move into Mass. They open the gate to our area and we are escorted all the way past the choir stalls to the altar area. The chapel really opens up here, very high ceiling and large altar platform. The guests are seated in chairs, pretty far from the altar, the monks are closer of course.

GRASSHOPPERS!

Of all the weeks to be here, and all the days of the week to attend Mass, there I sat as the first reading was read, and Lo and Behold it was from the 13th chapter of Numbers. St. Patrick’s folks will recognize this as the passage where Moses sends the 12 spies into Canaan, and they return afraid, 10 of them at least (all but Caleb and Joshua) saying they should not invade for there are giants in the land, and we are but grasshoppers to them. Caleb and Joshua, of course, are not concerned about the “giants” for they know God will be with them and give them the land long promised. At St. Pats we have declared ourselves grasshoppers, for there are giants around us as well, but we know God is with us. There is more to it than that, of course, but that’s the short version.  I hear the grasshopper story as my sabbatical winds down and I know it’s getting time to get back to work.

The following comments are not meant as critical of how worship is done here – this place is quite different from a Parish church and the audience is very different as well. Almost everyone here is Roman Catholic and they know the service backwards and forwards (during the dispensing of communion I only noticed one other retreatant who received a blessing instead of the host, as we were instructed to do if we were not RC). But being in the congregation for this service helped remind me of the importance of hospitality to visitors to our services. They handed out a Mass booklet that simply contained the tones for some of the service music, there was no order of service, no way to follow along in the Liturgy at all. The Eucharistic Prayer was similar to ours, although not the same, and the people all knelt at a different time in the EP (not right after the Sanctus as is typically done in the Episcopal Church). I was taken back to the first time I visited an Episcopal Church while dating my now wife, how foreign it all seemed to me, how lost I was in the Prayer book and how no one helped me figure anything out. I carry that experience with me and I am insistent, even when it may irritate our life long members, that we always gear our bulletin (which since Katrina contains the entire service text in it), announcements, etc. towards those who may come from a different Christian tradition, or are non-Christian visitors. Since we don’t have pews and haven’t since the storm, it was an easy decision to produce a full text bulletin, so folks only have a hymnal to juggle, and I have been comforted that several of our members who had opposed not using the Book of Common Prayer itself now tell me they really appreciate why we do things this way. The truth is, you won’t “learn your way around the prayer book” by using the 10 pages or so concerning Rite 2 Eucharist, and you take the chance of alienating visitors in the way I felt awkward this morning.

Still the service was nice and the monks chanting sounded really nice in those closer quarters. All the monks who are also Priests vested with stoles and surrounded the altar, but they stand pretty far (over 12 feet I would say) from the altar, so when they con-celebrated it looked very strange, holding their hands over the host from that far away almost had a Jedi Knight feel to it (invoking the Force, you could say?).

Being in that service also made me yearn for Eucharist in a way I haven’t this entire sabbatical time. I’ve taken Eucharist most Sundays, visiting Episcopal or Anglican churches when possible, but this is the longest time I have gone since my ordination without celebrating at the altar, an amazing privilege that I do miss. Soon and very soon….

One aspect of the service I was curious about was my own feelings around not receiving communion. In our church we invite all baptized Christians to receive the body and blood, bread and wine. At some Episcopal churches they extend that invitation to anyone, baptized or not (although to do so is a violation of the Canons of the church). Some see it as a hospitality issue, some believe you can come to baptism through Eucharist, instead of only the other way around. Our church will struggle with this issue over the next few years I am sure. It’s complicated and way beyond the scope of a blog post to debate it. But regardless, the Catholic church is quite clear that you need to be one of “theirs” to receive communion. But the rest of us are invited (as I do for the non-baptized) to receive a blessing. So I fell in line, approached the Priest, and folded my arms across my shoulders. The Priest already had a host in hand to give me but very smoothly and graciously made the sign of the cross on my forehead and blessed me. It was a good moment and I did not feel left out or singled out or treated like a second hand citizen. It was lovely and I understand this is their position on Eucharist and I can only honor it as such.

After Mass there is breakfast, then the short office of Terce. I am back in my room again and will write more after Sext and None this afternoon.

*****

I declare this St. Patrick’s Day at the Abbey of Gethsemani! Not only did we have the grasshopper reading noted above, but at the None office we chanted “our Psalm”, Psalm 126, which we have prayed together ever since Katrina – “when the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion then we were like those who dream, then our mouths were filled with laughter and our tongues with shouts of joy”. Woot! It was weird though because in their booklet it’s listed as Psalm 125. When I got back to the room, I looked it up in the Catholic Bible which is on my desk and it’s 126 in there, just like it is in Protestant Bibles and the BCP. Maybe it’s a typo? Or there is some difference I am unaware of?

But that’s not all – it is obvious to me that many of these monks should join St. Patrick’s! Why, you ask? Because 1) Not all of them attend every service and 2) at each service several monks stroll in after the Office has already begun. It feels just like home!

So I have been to six services so far today and it’s 2:30 in the afternoon. Vigils, Lauds, Mass, Terce, Sext and None. Vespers is before supper and Compline (which is NOTHING like the Episcopal Compline service) is after supper and the last service before monks go night-night. Some of the Offices are quite short – Sext is 15 minutes, None took about 10, while others are 30 or so (Lauds and Vespers for sure). So it’s not 8 hours of prayer, just 7 prayer hours observed, along with Mass, every day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year since December of 1848. Pretty impressive, even if some of them show up a tad late!

The rain has stopped so going to walk around a bit.

****

I walked up to the visitor’s center and watched a film on Thomas Merton, the most famous of the monks of Gethsemani. A lot about Merton’s life I did not know. His tragic death to accidental electrocution in Japan was really sad. He has LOTS of books and I will investigate some of them. I understand the Seven Story Mountain is a life changing type of autobiography, maybe I will start there.

Vespers and Compline completed the prayer offices for me today. Now time for more work on the Ephesians study.

I am in transit on the way home from my silent retreat. While there I wrote several blog posts – some are a wrap-up of the day, some are on specific topics (suffering, silence, forgiveness). Since I had NO internet or cell phone access the entire week, I will post them one day at a time for all my loyal fans! If you are out there – thanks for “listening”.

First Full Day of Retreat at Gethsemani

I have completed reading “South of Broad”, making four Pat Conroy books i have read on this sabbatical. Prince of Tides, The Great Santini, The Lords of Discipline preceded this, his latest novel. What a writer! i believe he has now surpassed Barbara Kingsolver as my favorite all time. His prose is amazing and alive and as a son of the South he speaks to me in ways no author ever has. His characters are very similar, obviously every book is somewhat autobiographical. His reflections on integration resonate with my own experience, although Mississippi and South Carolina are different in important ways – we have no Broad Street anywhere in my state, no Charleston of ancient history, although the Delta can provide some of the same types of genteel privileged people, the lost royal blood of plantation owners still runs through the veins of some families in the flat lands of rich soil that comprise the Delta.
I feel a little lost, which is ok. The abbey is nice, i have a private room and bath, nothing 4 star about it but it’s really fine, They have 7 daily offices of prayer, mostly comprising of chanted Psalms. The monks here don’t sing all that well, other than a few who cantor the Psalms, and those of us looking on from the visitor’s gallery (we are not allowed in the choir area of the chapel) join in, mostly under our breath. Yet there is a holiness to the rhythms of their sung prayers, knowing they pray the entire Psalter this way over every 2 weeks, and have done so since the day of the founding of the Abbey in 1848, is pretty amazing. The place certainly feels prayed in.
Today I slept past Vigils (3:15am), Lauds (5:45) and Mass (right after Lauds). Knowing i am not welcome to receive communion makes it less attractive to me to attend, although i will probably do so later. i begin my day at 615, doing some praying before breakfast. i also read some more, not wanting Conroy’s latest to end but desperate to see how it turns out. Pat, you are a distraction! Breakfast, like all meals, is taken in silence. They are serious about the silence at this place, which i am very grateful for. There is no talking in the dining room, in the hallways, in your own room, in the church, along the walkway that leads to the church and guest house, or on the grounds immediately adjacent to the buildings. if you want a silent retreat this is the place. Also silenced is any connection with the outside world. There is no Wifi to tempt you to the internet to waste time on emails and Facebook, no cell signal in the building at all. Last night i walked up the road a little ways in order to call home, but that’s about it. it’s nice to stop the infuriating habit of looking at my phone or computer or ipad every 2 minutes to see if some new email has arrived to interrupt my day, my prayer, my work. A slave to that i have become and it’s a habit i must break.
While in Florida i began a chapter in two separate ‘”books”, one on Camille – Katrina, one on desegregation. i am quite sure i will never publish either, reasonably sure i will not finish them. i am not even certain what i am trying to accomplish with them. Going into this sabbatical time, i thought this writing time would be cathartic in some way, and that i had some important things to say. i am no longer convinced. i spent more of that time working on a new Bible study of Ephesians than i did on writing. it’s interesting that Jennifer suggested to me to focus more on blog type writing, that people would really enjoy that and i was good at it, she said that to me the day after i had the exact same thought. So perhaps this is where the Spirit is leading me, God knowing i am incapable of completing anything more lengthy than that, at least for now. So why fight it?
The monk who is the guest master gave us a short orientation last night and encouraged us to claim our rooms, our “cell”, as holy ground, to take off our shoes like Moses and pray as we enter our rooms. i did so last night, and as i did the thought came to me to reinvestigate both my ordination vows and the prayer said by the Priest when he or she is installed as a new Rector. So this morning i prayed through the BCP ordination service and said the new rector prayer. Much of my prayer time over the next few days will be around those words of power and holiness and hope.
Today the same brother gave a talk on following God’s will for us. it was 30 minutes of rambling that was hard to concentrate on, but in the end it was his story – a priest for 17 years before entering the monastery many years ago, who had an epiphany of realizing he himself was in the way of God’s perfect will for him, something all of us can learn from of course.
For the next two hours i will do some Bible reading and praying, and possibly a little writing. Then it’s time for Sext and lunch.
Update – it is evening of my first full day. Chapel is growing on me, and the chanting of the monks becoming so prayerful. We guests chant along with them in very hushed voices. Where we sit in the chapel is blocked off, in the back, facing the choir stalls of the monks. They have VERY fancy choir stalls! Lots of room for them to stand, sit, and kneel and places for their hymnals and psalters, etc. Their seats fold up when they stand to give them even more room, and they are often rocking forward and backward in the stall. There are about 40 monks total, of various ages. They all wear white cassocks, and those who have taken solemn vows wear a black scapula over it. There are a couple of novices, you must remain a novice at least 3 years before taking vows. There are also a couple of lay folks, dressed in street clothes, who worship with the monks, they are investigating a calling to the monastery. One is an older man, one is quite young, in his 20’s. He eats with us commoners but worships “inside”. Our area is gated off with a sign that says “Do not go beyond this point”. I picture the arc of the covenant scene from Raiders of the Arc, burning our flesh off if we disobey. But we are allowed “inside” after Compline at the end of the day, to be aspurged by the Abbott, and also to approach the altar area on the far end for Mass (which i will attend tomorrow). So today i went to chapel 4 times out of the 7, tomorrow I plan to start with the 3:15 Vigils and see how the day goes!
During lunch and dinner they play a tape, usually with their most famous Brother, Thomas Merton, giving a lecture. It’s interesting stuff on what conversion of life is required to truly be a monk. It’s called “conversion of manners”, but means nothing about what fork to use and everything about being changed completely. Merton is translating a Latin text from an Ethiopian desert father as he goes and engaging a group of men investigating the idea of becoming Trappist monks. Merton gets distracted easily, going off on tangents, which is how I teach, so I enjoy it very much. More to say on this as I hear more of the lectures.
Time for bed, 3:15 will come very early!

Today is the first full day I have spent in my home the month of July! We got back very late last night, and I leave again at 5:00 AM, this time by myself to the Abbey of Gethsemane for a silent retreat. Here is more info on the Abbey.

This monastery is where Thomas Merton lived and prayed and wrote, if you are familiar with his works (go to http://www.merton.org/ for more on Merton). He is buried on the grounds. It is a Abbey of the Trappist monks, an order of the Roman Catholic Church. Although I have never been there, I had a minister friend, the Rev. Tom Adkins, in Greenville who took an annual trip there and had greatly encouraged me to make such a pilgrimage myself – and so here I go!

What do monks do? Well, they pray – a LOT! And they work – a LOT! Here is their daily prayer schedule:

Monday/Saturday
3:15 am Vigils
5:45 am Lauds
6:15 am Eucharist
7:30 am Terce
12:15 pm Sext
2:15 pm None
5:30 pm Vespers
7:00 pm Rosary
7:30 pm Compline

We will see how often I can make it into chapel, I am thinking maybe not the Vigils so much, but you never know! The grounds of the monastery are beautiful and allow wonderful spaces for praying, walking, and just being alone with God in nature. I hope to do much more writing as well, if the Spirit leads me that way. I am open to whatever God leads me to do during this week as I prepare to return to St. Patrick’s.

Since it’s a silent retreat I won’t be talking, texting, emailing, etc. I have really done far less of all that during the sabbatical as it is, and these five days will have me basically cutoff from the electronic world that is constantly distracting us.

As my sabbatical time is winding down I find myself thinking more and more of St. Patrick’s and her people and our lives together. That’s a good sign! I won’t ever forget what a blessing this time away has been for me and Jennifer and look forward to sharing LOTS of stories. Meanwhile, here are a few pics of the Abbey and I hope you will pray for me as I do for you.

David+